I recently took the Strengthsfinder test. (I’m planning a little reinvention…. watch this space!) I don’t know if you’ve heard of Strengthsfinder but if you’re at all interested in discovering why you are the way you are and why you do the things you do, I highy recommend it. There is something comforting about seeing all your quirks and foibles so accurately drawn (how do they do that?). It is even more of a delight to see the details of your ‘you-ness’ highlighted as strengths. I’m a huge fan of the Strenghsfinder philosophy, ie working with your natural inclinations, rather than trying to force yourself into a mould that’s not an easy or happy fit.
(Which could explain why I am not, and will never be, a Domestic Goddess…)
Anyway, as part of the process, you recieve a personalised report. Maybe it’s an ego thing, or maybe it’s a quest for self-discovery, but I do love anything personalised, just for me. There is so much that is mass produced and meant for a generic audience, that to have something tailor-made, with your name and personality stamped all over it, is quite special.
This report is a joy, it is basically a songsheet of your praises – why you are so wonderful and unique and what you do so well that only you can do that way. I welled-up with happy tears of recognition as I read the explanations for my behaviour and preferences, as well as my angst. For example, one ‘strength’ is that I yearn to learn. I thrive on new challenges and discoveries. So, any untaxing or repetitive activities will drain the life-force out of me. Do you think this could possibly explain my ‘issues’ with housework….?
However, understanding why I’m not naturally domestic is all well and good, but that may be of little help if I’m responsible for the care and maintenance of my own home and family (which I am). Although I’m hopeful that one day, I will have so successfully played to my strengths that I am compensated with a small army of domestic helpers, in the meantime the dust/dishes/dirty socks are a-gathering (as is their wont…).
Well, happily, the fabulous folk at Strengthsfinder also include in thier report; Ideas For Action. So I have it on good authority that I really ought to try very hard to schedule a) time to learn and b) time to think. Oh, the happy sigh of relief when I read those words! So, I needn’t feel guilty about sneaking off to curl up with my latest book? Or feel like a wierdo because I sometimes like to hide from everybody and just think about stuff? It’s such a pleasure that a professional personality-analyst has instructed me to do these (joyful) things for the good of my health, sanity, wellbeing and achievement – even for the greater good of family, community and the world at large. Happiness is being told that not only is it OK to be the way you are, but also that you might be quite useful/successful/appreciated in doing so.
But how does this marry up with the disappointing reality that my housework schedule won’t go away?
Well, along with the above sugestions, my report told me to consider when and where I do my best thinking and learning. So being the dutiful student, I did this. And after some careful thought, I came to a surprisingly helpful realisation. I have my best ideas and insights when a) walking, b) in the bath/shower and c)…… whilst quietly performing the myriad mindless tasks around the house! It’s true, many of my greatest ideas have arisen from the fertile trance-like state that domestic work can induce. (Want proof? This blog post was dreamed up during a rare vacuuming spree.)
So, this sheds a whole new light on my housework schedule. No longer should I view housework as a waste of precious time, keeping me from what I really want to do. Instead, I can use housework time to meet my need for my all-important, quiet pondering. I can even use it to satisfy my learning appetite – for example, I can download an audiobook on the study-du-jour and feed my mind as I feed my family. Seen in this light, housework is a calming, thereapeutic tool to enhance my wellbeing (and I never thought I would write those words…).
Of course, I fought this realisation at first – but I have to admit it is true. On the rare occassions in the past, when I’ve given myself an entire day to read or study, I’ve found that I can only input so much before I have to go and do something else, something mindless and automatic so I can process the information. Housework fits the bill here. After reading a particularly thought-provoking chapter or article, I may unconsciously drift toward the laundry or washing up and I have to admit – it helps! Not only that, it gets my housework done! (This is a double bonus as a clean and tidy house is, for me, far more conducive to clear-thinking than chaos and grime.)
I have also noticed that when I turn to domestic chores in a bid to untangle a head full of ideas, my mind is so busy doing that that I have less brain space left to devote to how much I loathe housework. In fact, if (like me) you are prone to doing the housework while constantly begrudging the fact that you are doing the housework (or as the fabulous Danielle LaPorte puts it, seething with resentment), you could be far happier and healthier if you took your mental focus off the task in hand (assuming you’re not operating anything dangerous) and turned your mind toward more interesting musings.
You don’t need to be interested in study or learning to employ this tactic. Maybe you could ponder your next holiday or career move. Perhaps you have a relationship issue that needs resolving – a little meditative mopping could provide just the clarity you need. Or if you do want to broaden your horizons, why not learn a new language on audiobook? When you consider how many hours you log in your domestic work, that’s quite a chunk of time in which to mentally pursue whatever your strengths naturally draw you toward.
It may be true that, for the sake of our health, our families and our quality of life, housework is a necessary evil. But instead of fighting or resenting the amount of time we need to devote to it, maybe we could turn it to our advantage? Our bodies may be required to go through the domestic motions, but our minds enjoy much more freedom. One of the few advantages of mundane chores is that you can do them on autopilot, leaving your mind free to go wherever you’d like to take it.
Let me know where you get to!
Danielle
PS If you would like more info on Strengthsfinder, click here. However, to do the test and receive your own Personlised Report of Your Wonderfulness, you need to buy a copy of the Strengthsfinder book.
“The best time to plan a book is while you are doing the dishes.”
I love it – I love all the optimism and Fresh Start energy. I love to think of the coming year, a clean slate, just waiting for our lives to be written across it.
However, I know not everyone is a fan of the conventional New Year, New You activities.
So here are two options – pick whichever suits you:
• If you like to make New Year Resolutions, then this is for you.
• If you don’t, you might like my previous musings on the whole resolutions business…..
Whatever you opt for, I wish you a wonderful 2012 – it’s going to be great! (I can just feel it.)
Happy New Year!
Danielle
PS Have you done a review of the year’s successes yet? Do it now!
Whether you celebrate the religious feast, or the culinary feast – or both (like me) – this time of year is dedicated to all things merry and bright. It’s a time for focussing on the joyful, turning our attention to the wonderful and celebrating all that’s good.
Depending on your spiritual persuasion, the actual reasons for celebration may vary. Perhaps you are honouring the arrival of a Saviour. Or maybe your reveling is a bid to get through the long dark days before the welcome return of Spring. Or perhaps you just enjoy the caroling and carousing and goodwill to all men (like me). Either way, the shift of our day-to-day perspective towards the fun stuff is not only a joy, it actually has beneficial effects. Positivity, generosity, kindness, forgiveness, charity – all these things are good for our own health and happiness. Whilst the act of celebration has powerful effects on our psychology – it can influence our future mindset. Celebrating causes us to become primed toward….causes for celebration! In other words, The Good Life.
The benefits of celebration apply to increased success, too. In success psychology, any celebration of current circumstances is good for future results. The more you celebrate successes, the more successes you will have to celebrate. Ask any successful person what they do after a major achievement – they may be oblivious to how it works, or they may do it intentionally, but chances are they mark it with a significant celebration. When we celebrate a success, we are reinforcing our belief in our own abilities. This boost to our psyche is effective and far-reaching, long after the poppers and party hats have been cleared away.
So, if you would like to experience more joy, better health and improved results in the domestic realm (or indeed in any endeavour) – start celebrating! Look for any successes you may have had over the past year – the end of a year is a great time for reflection. But this is a great habit to establish all year round. It shifts your focus onto the good stuff, making you feel more confident and capable – feelings that naturally lead to increased success. So, consider your past year and look for any signs of improvement, any successes, victories or triumphs, however small – then big ‘em up! Big yourself up, too! Acknowledge that you did good. Celebrate!
Now you may feel, at first glance, that the year passed with little sign of improvement. This is unlikely. Even if all you achieved was another year’s experience of what you don’t want and don’t like, this is still useful. You can use this as information to refine more clearly exactly what you do want. You can use it as motivation for going after what you want to see more of in the year ahead. Life is a forward motion. With every passing year, we learn and grow – maybe a little, maybe a lot. If may feel like a baby step forward followed by a stumble back, but slow progress is still progress, so celebrate that. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that the more you set your mind to seek the mini triumphs, the more examples it uncovers.
On the other hand, of course, you may well have had your best year ever! In which case, a round of applause for you! (And what’s your secret?) But whatever sort of year you’ve had, now’s the time to celebrate the best bits. Recap your successes, and mark them with family and friends, food and drink, fun and laughter, even retail therapy – whatever jingles your particular bell.
This is not pointless (albeit fun) recreation. It’s a powerful anchor for bringing you more of the same.
Warning: This post may seem a little over-emotional. Unless you have ever loved and lost a pet.
My cat, Mojo, died this week.
My quirky, handsome, wonky-eared, wild-whiskered, crazy and curious little tiger has gone, leaving a huge, cat-shaped hole in our family.
We’re all utterly heartbroken but it was time for him to go. We had to make the reluctant, painful decision that the kindest thing we could do for him was put him to sleep. How my brave-hearted husband found the strength to take Mojo on his final journey to the vet’s, I will never know.
The children were distraught – they have only ever known life with Mojo in it. But with their healthy take on the whole mortality business, they are slowly turning their attention towards the prospect of new kittens. Their bereft parents, however, are still recovering. We had Mojo in our lives long before the children arrived, almost as long as we’ve had each other. It feels strange and wrong to not have him around, taking his rightful seat at family mealtimes or shadowing us up and down the garden path.
Amid the many fond memories, though, I feel bad about the days when the upkeep and maintenance of my human family felt like too much, and I’d grumble about the extra mess and work that comes with caring for an elderly cat. Now we are catless, and smelly puddles and extra laundry are no longer a feature on my never-ending list of chores. Yet I wish with all my broken heart that they were.
Kind of puts things into perspective.
Goodbye and God bless, beautiful Mojo. An unforgettable, irreplaceable friend.
After a few weeks of admiring the fruitful bounty of my plum tree, I decided that today was harvest time. (Much to the dismay of the slugs who have been gorging themselves silly with the dropping fruit…).
So, armed with my biggest bowl, I began tentatively, ever-so-gently squeezing each fruit to identify the ripe ones. However, after the first flushes of homegrown pride and joy, I began to get a bit fed up. Especially since my beloved Victoria Plum has produced a bumper crop this year. This was going to take a while.
So, I added a little haste to the proceedings. Big mistake. One particularly over-eager grab resulted in completely squashing the fruit. Which would have been bad enough, but this particular plum had also been the home to a not-so-friendly wasp. And judging by the look on his face, he was even less pleased than me to find himself on the end of my finger. Luckily my Dance of Horror & Disgust (complete with shrieking) managed to dispatch said wasp without any stinging rebukes.
Then – as so often happens during monotonous tasks in the garden – inspiration struck.
It occurred to me that with a little persuasion, (ie a gentle shake) the ripe-and-ready candidates would obligingly drop off the tree into my waiting bowl. This would make it much easier to collect only the ripe fruit. It would also speed up collection (and make it less-hazardous…).
So a few shakes later (literally), I had my bowl full of today’s pickings, leaving the ones who weren’t quite ready to sacrifice themselves to my jampot, to grow another day.
As I was musing over this incident, I was reminded of a quote from Deepka Chopra’s wonderful book, which I find applies to life and all its many tasks, be they in the garden, the office or the home.
Wise and not-so-old Deepak says;
“Nature’s intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness.
The principle of least action, of no resistance.”
He calls it, “The Universal Law of Least Effort.”
Easier and better – I like the sound of that. Laziness as the mother of efficiency.
So, my plum gathering reminded me that, all things being equal, look for the path of least resistance. Or, put more simply; easy is good.
• • • UPDATE: It has just occurred to me…If you like the idea of lazyness efficiency and ease, I can wholeheartedly recommend this fun and insightful book by Fred Gratzon. Or check out his fab video below. (You see, it’s not just me!)
You can find more from Fred (he’s such a nice guy!) over on his blog.
During my many musings over this housework malarkey, I’ve frequently come to the following conclusion:
being in good physical condition makes the whole business much less of an issue.
For one thing, it takes considerable energy to keep a home. When you’re tired and exhausted, mustering up the energy to scale the Laundry Mountain might be a chore too far.
As well as affecting your everyday energy levels, health – or rather lack of it - can be very time-consuming. If you have to take to your bed for an hour/day/week, something else will have to give. And if your schedule is already pretty tight, there will be even less time than usual for domestic demands. (I know from experience that in times of illness – ironically, when you most need a healthful environment – housework can be one of the first things to slip.) So in a sense, being healthy, ie dodging the ‘inevitable’ common ailments, can also bring the gift of time. Prevention is not only more pleasant, it’s more efficient, too.
But wait, there’s more! When you are healthy, your natural motivation, drive and joie de vivre are free to bubble forth and propel you toward the lifestyle you want. (A lifestyle where housework doesn’t get you down.) And when you are feeling great, minor niggles don’t seem to have quite the same impact. You’re less prone to losing your temper at the slightest abandoned sock or crumb-strewn worktop. Since the average household is likely to be chock-full of chores and ‘issues’, being able to cope more calmly with the minor stuff is a sure step toward the serenity of Domestic Goddessland.
So, in our bid to make peace with housework, (or at least to cope better with it), being fit and well is a powerful tactic. And the goodness doesn’t stop with your domestic stuff. Being in good health makes for a better life all-round; improved relationships (courtesy of reduced crankiness), better looks (health is a great beautifier), even your finances can benefit (when you’re in tip top condition, you’re well placed to pursue your dreams and achieve your goals.) All in all, good health can be the precursor for wealth, happiness and a happy home life.
So health is good for you. Admittedly, no news there. However, by considering how much easier life (and housework) can be, wouldn’t it make good sense to not simply hope for better health, but to actually be proactive about it? This has been my intention lately – to not just pop a few vitamins when I felt a snuffle coming on, but to actually put time and effort into my health and wellness. In a bid to conquer the domestic realm, achieve my dreams and rid myself of a minor health issue, I devised My Plan for Extreme Health.
Strike 1 is my new yoga regime, which you can read about here. My body says ‘Thank You’ just thinking about it. (Just as a tip: taking up yoga is easier if you surround yourself with books/pictures of beautiful, healthful figures in enviably flexible positions, à la Christie Turlington’s gorgeous book which resides on my bedside table.)
So that’s the exercise bit off to a good start. But as any female who has ever picked up a magazine will know, the essential two-pronged approached to the body beautiful (and by default, great health) also involves the dreaded D-word.
I have never been interested in diets. Technically, I have been on a diet since I was six months old when I was diagnosed with Coeliac Disease. Having spent close to three decades on a regime as restrictive as a gluten-free diet left me reluctant to add further rules about what was allowed onto my plate. Yet, I have always been interested in healthy eating, And after my recent Six Senses detox, I came to the conclusion that strict eating plans where never going to work for me. (So time consuming. So complicated. So controlling.) Besides, as Gretchen Rubin so wisely says in her fab book, ‘What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” So instead of adopting any particular Diet, I have been on the hunt for nutritional tips and info about how food can actually help (or harm) us in our daily lives.
They say, when the student is ready, the teacher appears, which is how I believe the lovely Kris Carr found her way into my life. When her book, Crazy, Sexy Diet landed on my desk, I felt both nervous and excited. I sensed this would be big. I was right. The book is an absolute treasure-trove of information about food, nutrition and diet. For every foodstuff mentioned, there is a wealth of science behind it. Kris explains how each morsel effects us on a cellular level – and it’s powerful stuff. This is not a book about getting a bikini body (though being lean and strong are by-products of the Crazy, Sexy Diet). This book is about empowerment. To know how your body reacts to what you put in it, gives you the power to make informed choices. You may choose to still eat/avoid certain foods anyway, but you make the decision from a place of knowledge rather than ignorance.
So, I think Crazy, Sexy Diet may well have changed my life. However, it is not an easy read. There are some challenging claims and suggestions in the book and I’m still undecided about some of them. But it certainly makes you think about what you eat and drink on a regular basis. It also inspires you to take your health into your own hands, by making changes to your diet that will set you on a healthier path. And a path that leads to a great bod, less illness and more vibrant energy sounds like a good route to me.
So, if you’re at all interested in better health, Crazy, Sexy Diet has my heartfelt recommendation, especially if struggle, despair and exhaustion are currently the order of the day. It may well be that food is the culprit. Happily, though, your kitchen may also contain the remedy. As a caveat, I would suggest that you make the easy changes first. There is a huge amount of information and you may feel that your entire diet needs an overhaul. (I certainly felt that and I used to think I ate quite well.) But as Kris says, any small change for the better is good news for your body and your health. So, my plan is to gradually reduce the bad while at the same time introducing some new healthful additions.
Could Green Smoothies and blue-green algae turn out to be the answer to my domestic prayers? I’ll let you know!
This year for Mother’s Day I was presented with some spa vouchers.
Now you may think that I have extremely thoughtful children (with a generous father). And you would be right. (Though this is the first year my hints have been heavy enough. It seems, subtlety is wasted in my home.)
So, last week, I booked my treatment and pootled of to my favourite spa for an Ocean Detox Wrap (Ahhhhhhh…….) I returned a few hours later feeling pampered and lovely and totally at peace with the world. In fact, I was so blissed out that I didn’t even mind the post-breakfast kitchen carnage which was awaiting my return. Nor did I object to a spell of the obligatory laundry. Or some light tidying. Or making the tea. After all, I had been so thoroughly spoilt and looked after, it put me in the mood to do the same for my family.
Which got me thinking….
A combination of busy lives and generous hearts means many of us put our fun-things-to-do quite low down the list of priorites. Yet, when we carve out the time and space to refuel our joie-de-vivre, we have more to give. When we feel happy and fulfilled, we are better placed to take care of others. Enforcing a brief sabbatical from the daily grind can reboot our desire to love and care for our families. Which can really help in the battle against housework blues.
So the lesson I learnt is this: it is in my family’s best interest that I take care of myself. This includes not just the important diet and exercise stuff but also the fun, joyful, just-for-the-hell-of-it stuff. (Which for me tends to be spa-based…). In other words: R&R as a selfless act.
You are unlikely to get a better excuse reason than that to put yourself first for a change.
Well, it’s certainly spring. In fact, judging by my sunburn, it may even be summer. Anyway, you’ll probably be very surprised to learn that this weekend I have been…..spring cleaning!
Now, don’t be too shocked. I still managed to spend a good deal of time lazing in the garden with a book. But it is the particular book in question that’s responsible for my uncharacteristic domestic spree. And the book is (as you’ve probably guessed by the large book cover above…) Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shuiby Karen Kingston.
Despite it’s unprepossessing cover, this book is an absolute gem. I love it because it delves into the psychology of clutter and how clutter affects us on all levels; mentally, emotionally, physically, even spiritually. Karen links these effects with the traditional feng shui tool – The Bagua, to illustrate precisely which area of your life that ‘harmless’ pile of magazines is infiltrating. This alone is quite a powerful motivator to get busy.
Yet, the book contains a good deal more advice beyond the influence of feng shui. In fact, it could be one of the most comprehensive self-help books I’ve ever come across. Karen covers the whole gamut of human issues; health, happiness, potential, relationships, spirituality, forgiveness, life priorities and body clutter. (The colon-cleansing section was particularly eye-opening and prompted a considerable spending spree at my favourite organic apothecary).
All this information makes for a really motivating read. I found that I couldn’t read more than a couple of pages at a time without feeling an urge to go and sort or tidy somewhere. Powerful stuff! This weekend has seen several bags of superfluous ‘stuff’ leave the premises and I’m becoming very popular over on freecycle.org. (One woman’s junk….)
I’ll be doing a full review over on Just Good Reads (children willing…) but in the meantime, let me share with you some of my favourite nuggets from the book. I challenge you to read the following without being inspired to bust some clutter!
Each small area you clear releases energy for you to do more.
The speed at which the positive changes will appear in your life is relative to the gusto and decisiveness with which your clutter is cleared.
Most people carry some form of emotional baggage. It prematurely ages us and gets in the way of everything we want to do.
An ordered home means an ordered mind. Whatever your personal situation, it is important to get organised so that the mundane level of your life supports you.
In lab experiments, animals given control over their environment live longer, have higher antibody counts and less ulcers. Your choice.
In the optimistic hope that you are going to be treated like royalty this weekend, allow me to offer you my musings on the whole Mother’s Day business from the early days of the blog…
There is a phrase that I mutter to myself, on days when it feels like the world and his wife wants my attention: “To be needed is a blessing, not a curse”. Some days it comes easier than others.
Despite the absolute joy I felt when my children first said ‘Mummy’, there are days when I am summoned so many times that I want to ban the word.
I’m sure (I hope!) many mothers can relate to this. But I don’t believe this makes us bad mothers. We’re just human. We just need a bit of moderation. Buddha would back me up here – too much of anything is never a good idea.
With motherhood, though, meeting the demands of others goes with the territory. So it is only right that the balance be readdressed at least once a year, when the mother gets to do the bidding. Cue…Mother’s Day!
The sun is shining, the snowdrops are out and children are casting off school jumpers with merry abandon. I think spring may well be here. (Not that that rules out snow flurries next week….) But just in case these seasonal stirrings are turning your attention to housework, I thought I’d repost my musings on spring cleaning from this time last year;
If you’re even remotely considering a spot of Spring Cleaning – just hold that thought!
Though spring may undoubtedly have sprung and you may be keen to revitalise your home after the dark days of winter, before you do…
I have a tip that will help make this seasonal maintenance work much easier. In fact, this simple step may even bring wondrous benefits to you, your home and your life, long after you hang up your marigolds.
I know I am fashionably late but I have spent the last few weeks busily converting this entire blog into an ebook format, for your reading pleasure. During this process, I was struck by how many useful ideas I’ve stumbled across over the last year or two. Despite the fact that I’ve relayed them to you on this blog, even I had forgotten some of them, or at least forget to implement on a regular basis.
So in the spirit of new decade reviews, (can I still get away with that?), I thought I’d offer you a quick reminder of the best of the best from the last year of MPWH.
Inferiority is relative. It needs something or someone else to be compared to.
A sense of inferiority arises from comparing ourselves to someone else, someone supposedly superior. Why do we do that? Is it helpful? Very often, it isn’t but it can be automatic and unconscious. It’s a natural human tendency. Everybody does it. But whereas men tend to compare sizes (car, salary, appendage…), women tend to compare appearance – figures, clothes and inevitably, homes.
“People with goals succeed because they know where they’re going.”
~ Earl Nightingale
Write it down.
Once you’ve got a clear idea of your goal, write it down. Advocates of list-making will tell you there is magic in the written word – even if you never look at it again. This is because the process of writing forces you to crystallise your ideas. However, there is definitely merit in revisiting your written goals. They’re a great tool in charting your progress and a useful visual reminder that reinforces your aims.
If you’re in any doubt of the power of written goals, I suggest you read Mark McCormack’s book, What They Don’t Teach You At Harvard Business School. In it, he quotes some compelling statistics from a decade-long study of Harvard MBA graduates. For example, in 1979, 3% of the participating graduates had written down their goals and made plans to achieve them, 13% had unwritten goals, and the rest had no specifc goals. When the graduates were interviewed 10 years later, those who had unwritten goals were earning, on average, twice as much as the graduates with no clear goals. However, the 3% who wrote down their goals were earning, on average, ten times as much as all the other graduates put together!
So write down your goals!
Wherever this secret power comes from – make use of it. In fact authors Tom & Penelope Pauley (of richdreams.com) believe that writing it down is all you have to do! In their book, I’m Rich Beyond My Wildest dreams, I am, I am, I am, their suggested route to riches is simply making detailed lists of what you want. It’s a fascinating and fun technique and one that I’ve already had some success with.
Now, you may need an open mind for this and a little faith, at first. But it’s not necessary to explain or understand the forces at work to make use of this trick. Once you try it and see the evidence that it works, you’ll be convinced. In fact, you’ll probably be so excited and amazed that you’ll want to share it with everyone!
So, get yourself a nice pen, and maybe a smart new notebook in honour of your new regime, then grab a cuppa and a seat – and write down the blueprint for your perfect home-life. Then prepare to be amazed. (Note: If you’re like most people, you will now be nodding and thinking, Yeah, yeah, I get the idea, I don’t really need to actually do it… If that’s the case – reread the statistics above! This stuff works – why not make use of it to help you? It’s a small effort that will reap dividends - but only if you do it!)
It’s worth noting here that it’s not necessary to know the exact route to your desired outcome. To paraphrase Martin Luther King, you don’t have to see the whole staircase to take the first step. There is a school of thought that believes the answers will find you. Personally, I’ve had much experience of this method and ?nd that in the act of setting a goal, a few ideas ‘magically’ crop up. I’ve learned to trust these nudgings and take inspired action. There may be times where I can’t see how these actions could possibly result in my goal, but invariably, by some route I could never have imagined, they do. So my personal belief is that the route will occur to you once you make the decision to go for it. If you have faith in the process, you only have to know what you want to achieve and the answers will appear as you go along. For me, this path is not only successful, but hugely enjoyable and full of magic and awe.
It’s possible, though, that a more structured technique will appeal to you. If you find it helpful to map out a series of steps that could get you to your goal, that might be the best process for you. Many success experts recommend this. In The Success Principles, the hugely successful Jack Canfield has dedicated a chapter to this idea of ‘chunking down’. To do this, take your end-goal and reduce it down to all the steps you believe you’ll need to take to get there. Make these smaller and smaller chunks until you find one you can start with.
Which brings me nicely onto Step 3 of the process…
(If you’d like to read the complete article, visit houseworkblues.com for details of the book.)
For all the joy and magic of this festive season, there’s no doubt that Christmas brings with it a good deal of extra work and things to do. There are the parties and visits to and from friends and family… Then there’s all that present planning and buying, wrapping and giving… There’s all that extra food shopping and cooking and baking… And on top of all that, there’s also a considerable seasonal serving of extra housework.
Now, before I get all Ebenezer on you, let me just stress that I am a huge fan of Christmas. I absolutely love it. I think I enjoy it even more now than I did when I was a child. Having two small children of my own definitely adds to the magic and sense of excitement and wonder, but even in the quiet moments of planning and organising, the Christmas season always makes me smile.
This is in spite of the extra work, though, rather than because of it.
So, in my attempt to get maximum enjoyment from the festivities with minimum amounts of stress and frantic frenzies, I have a few ideas for a Calmer Christmas Karma. These are lessons I’ve learnt about what makes for a happier time for all concerned – not least, myself. (And why not, Christmas is for grown-ups, too!)
If your life is consumed by housework, no wonder you feel superior – of course you have more to offer! I don’t believe that any woman on the planet has nothing more to contribute than cleaning and tidying. However, that doesn’t mean we should never do it. We have more to contribute than pretty nails but that doesn’t mean we should avoid manicures!
Any regular readers will no doubt be aware that I have a natural aversion to housework. This is not to say I don’t do it – I want to live in a pleasant and comforting home, so needs must etc… But generally speaking it’s not top of my list of things I want to do.
So you probably won’t be too surprised to discover that when I do eventually shift my gears into housework mode, I race about at a frenzied pace, trying to get the jobs done and dusted (literally) as quickly as possible.
Now there is nothing wrong with working quickly, if that’s how you work happiest. Also, there may be times when a brisk pace is essential (ie impending guests are looming). Quite often, though, I have no need to rush the housework, other than my in-built urge to get it over with. And I have also noticed that these domestic frenzies don’t leave me feeling satisfied and competent, instead they actually they wind me up. They make me anxious and tense. So not only do I begrudge the work as I’m tearing through it, but when it’s over, I feel slightly glum or more than a little snappish. Hardly domestic bliss.
Looking after a home and family is physically demanding work. Without health, energy and emotional calm, it can be an uphill struggle. So it makes sense to prioritise your well-being, make it non-negotiable. Looking after No1 needs to be Job #1.
However, the life of a House Slave is a busy one and there may be times when what should, in theory, be top of your To Do list, can drift and slide to the nether regions of your Things That Get Neglected list.
This week sees the return to our screens of the lovely Nigella Lawson.
Her new series, Nigella Kitchen, begins Monday 30th September at 8pm on BBC 2.
So to celebrate this happy event, I thought I would mark the occasion with a Nigella-flavoured blog post.
I recently got my hands on Nigella’s new companion book (also called Kitchen) and although I’m only on page 92 (I like to read her books cover-to-cover), it has already struck me with its helpfulness in answering one of life’s most challenging questions:
Much as I love the summer, and much as I love my children, I have been known to feel the strain of the summer school holidays. I take my hat off to all the mums who manage to enjoy, rather than endure, the long break. However, I will admit, it does have its perks – my favourite being: time to read.
I’m a big reader all year but I seem to get through more books than usual during those endless summer days. So I thought I would share with you some of the valuable things I learned this summer, as I tried to escape the mess, noise and chaos surrounding me and saught sanctuary in my books….
Possibly the most effective read of the summer was Karen Rauch Carter’s, Move your stuff, change your life. It’s a guide to the Black Hat school of Feng Shui.
This is a picture of my son, doing what he loves to do – fluffle his mummy’s hair. He has done this ever since he developed fine motor skills. When he was smaller, he used to do it while feeding. Some babies need a blanket or soft toy, my boy needed a handful of hair belonging to someone who loves him.
(Though, this did limit surrogate feeders somewhat. In fact, I did contemplate lopping off my locks and tying with a ribbon so he could be fed by persons without grabbable-length hair…)
So how does this picture help me cope with the fall-out of toys that litters my home?
I was once reading a cook-book by that original domestic goddess -Nigella Lawson. In it, she casually mentioned that planning and shopping are as much a part of cooking as the kitchen-based business.
This was a eureka moment for me.
Of course! It seemed so obvious when pointed out! Yet all this time I’d been wondering why I felt so defeated by the prospect of feeding my family. I had neglected to incorporate two of the three vital ingredients – planning and shopping.
I recently wrote a guest blog post for my Twitter friend Jo Belfield on the subject of photography, (Jo creates beautiful photos for a living).
I believe that having your favourite photos on display in your home can be a great antidote to the housework blues.
So, here’s the blog post again in case you didn’t catch it:
I recently embarked upon a full day of housework.
This is not something I do very often. Not because I don’t enjoy a clean and tidy home – I do, I love it. However, I find that Great Big Cleaning Efforts mess with my head. There’s a very real danger that all the mindless domestic activity will result in a head-space of frustration, despair or low-level fury. (Or on a bad day, all three.) Admittedly there are far worse ordeals to be facing, but I don’t think I’m alone in occasionally feeling the strain of home and family maintenance.
I am a big reader of business manuals and success books and I’d like to share one of the common threads that feature in the great majority, which I think can be safely summed up as follows:
get help!
It’s a simple idea; you focus on what you are good at, your natural talents and abilities, then you seek out ways to delegate the things that you struggle with or resent or do very, very badly.
Today I took a giant leap beyond my comfort zone – I did a live radio interview to talk about my book, Housework Blues. Not being the biggest fan of public speaking (possibly why I’m a writer…), this was quite a daunting prospect for me. However, in my mission to spread the word about making peace with housework, I felt it had to be done.
You can listen to the results to hear more about why I wrote my book and set up this blog, along with some ready-to-use tips on making life easier in the home. There’s also a little info on the self-publishing process, as I found it. So, if you feel you have a book in you that you’d like to share with the world, you may want to listen in.
I hope you ? nd it useful – not least so I know I didn’t put myself through the ordeal for nothing! (Though I must say, the radio host, Mel McGee from the fabulous supermummy.com, was a pleasure to chat with and really helped to put me at ease.)
So, you’ve spent your time cooking or cleaning or washing or ironing etc, then you look around a few hours later and the fruits of your labour are gone with the wind.
Take a deep breath – it’s time for a Scarlett O’Hara moment.
Thanks to the marvels of technology, some of my recent online articles included a comments facility and some people very kindly used this space to volunteer their own housework-success secrets.
These included some real gems and I thought it would be helpful to put together a summary of these words of wisdom. So, here follows a collection of top tips from the online community, on how to cope in the domestic trenches. (Thanks, readers!)
In Housework Blues, I describe the many wonderful benefits of The Housework-out, (ie using housework as a form of exercise). Yet I’m not the first to suggest this idea. In fact, if you search for ‘housework’ on Amazon, one of the top results is the Housework Workout DVD*.
It’s a well-documented theory that the physical, aerobic nature of housework can reap rewards for your figure, especially when you carry out the work with an intention to trim/tone and you tweak your movements for maximum benefit. (For some quick tips on this check out this article from the NHS.)
Perhaps less well-known, however, are the invisible, ‘knock-on’ benefits that also occur when housework is your exercise of choice. So, if the prospect of thinner thighs is not quite enough to motivate you mop-wards, consider the following favourable, yet often unrecognised advantages of The Housework-out…
As so many children’s stories have it: “At last, the great day arrived.” For me, that day is today. I hold in my hands a real-life, in-the-flesh version of my own book. This is very exciting for me, being a new author this is a very special moment and also, I think, quite an achievement.
However, it’s also good news for you because it means we are only days away from seeing the Paperback version of Housework Blues on sale on Amazon*. Days! Then, for those of you not keen on eBooks can get in on all the fun and frolics to be had in tackling your domestic demons.
Today, I finally published the real-life (ie paperback) edition of Housework Blues – A Survival Guide!
There will be more details coming up (see below) but it should be available to buy from Amazon very soon! I’m so excited! This is the culmination of nearly 2 years of blood, sweat and tears (well, not so much the tears – it’s been a real labour of love).
As a person, it is irritating when people don’t do their fair share, but if you are at all feminist, it’s much more complicated. There are principles at stake.
There is often the unspoken question: is it being left to me because I am the female? This incurs a wrath born of social inequities, turning a personal situation into a political one. It becomes less of a question about whether you should always have to clean the floor and transmutes into whether women should always have to clean the floor.
As we find ourselves in the tail-end of January, what’s happened to those promising resolutions we made just a few weeks ago? Are they still going strong? Or just a dim and slightly guilty memory?
Given that the majority of New Year Resolutions fail to make it past New Year’s Eve, it begs the question – why bother? Aren’t they just a waste of time, doomed to failure as all that Fresh Start energy disappears with the empty Champagne bottles?
Is there really any point making those optimistic plans and hopes?
If, for whatever reason, you don’t take on external help (and even if you do – you’ll still have to tidy up before they come!), it makes sense to utilise existing labour sources. I’m referring to The Others. The people you live with. Now you may be thinking – if those we live with did their fair share, we wouldn’t need this book! But I believe it’s possible (and just) to recruit them in your domestic battle. It’s simply a case of finding the right approach…
Now I am a self-confessed Undomestic Goddess. I am not naturally inclined to clean and tidy. I am a million miles away from the Perfect Housewife. And yet…
The other day, I had a few precious minutes of un-spoken-for time on my hands and what did I choose to do with it? Well, believe it or not, I actually went looking for some housework!
Admittedly, I didn’t have to look very far…but the point is, I was motivated to do housework. Now what strange magic was at work? What could this new driving force possibly be? What awesome power could be behind such a freak occurrence?
Well, the good news is, the answer is a simple one. The even better news is, you can quite easily get your hands on it, too!
The results of housework are all too fleeting. You spend your time performing boring tasks and before long, they need doing again. There’s not much scope for any earth-shattering achievements, right?
Woman A arrives home. She hangs up her coat, bag and keys. She looks around her tidy home, smiles and decides she’s got time to relax in her beautiful sitting room with a cuppa and a magazine.
A flustered Woman B heaves the door open, pushing aside the debris blocking the entrance. She throws her coat on the pile – one more won’t make a difference. As she enters the kitchen, her heart sinks at the sight. Then, though she is surrounded by a million chores that need doing, she collapses, overwhelmed and exhausted on the sofa. She emits a small yelp as the hard plastic toy digs into her back.
So, then. What’s the difference between these two women?
Women are instinctive nurturers and carers. Historically, we are the caretakers of the species. Even in recent times, women who work full-time still tend to be the ones who make a house a home, administer TLC and know/care how each family member likes their breakfast. Regardless of who has the earning power, it’s usually the Lady of the House who manages the everyday comings and goings. She-Who-Knows-Where-The-Clean-Socks-Are. (Or aren’t, perhaps)
It just might be! Allow me to demonstrate with a personal story…
My youngest child has recently begun ‘Big School’ (though it could well be the tiniest Primary school in the country…). It’s quite a milestone in his life but also, it’s the beginning of an exciting new phase in my life, too. After ten years of being a full-time stay-at-home work-from-home mummy, I now appear to have my life back (a bit).
To celebrate this new era, I set myself the goal of becoming fit, healthy and the possessor of a beach-body to be proud of. Now, this is no mean feat.
I am not a natural-born bedmaker. When I see an unmade bed, I am not overwhelmed with an urge to make it. I am more often overwhelmed with an urge to go into another room.
However, I do admit to a slight blip of happiness when I see a beautifully made bed. I love to see a sumptuous and inviting slumber-zone, with plentiful plumped-up pillows and creaseless sheets (a la the gorgeous Beachy Cottage).
So, how to combine this love of bedded-bliss with my strong housework-avoidance streak…?
Some days, for no particular reason, you’re just in a slump. You’re human. It happens. So, for these occasions, you’ll need to bypass logic and go straight to emotions.
Cue my Top Ten Emergency Uppers…
1. Look for the silver lining. However bad things are, there is always something positive you can focus on. If it’s any consolation, there will always be someone worse off than you.
2. Find clues in the opposite. If things are getting you down, that’s a clue to what would bring you up – so focus on that. Collect images of how you would like things to be. Select pictures or photos of your ideal situation. If the state of the house is depressing you, look at pictures of beautiful interiors. If your children are driving you mad, look at a photo of them being angelic and adorable.
3. Know your Rescue Remedies. Make a list of all the things that always make you smile, no matter how low you go. It could be books, places, people. Look for the sparks, those little gems of life that always bring a smile to your face. Only you know what they are.
It’s not often you’ll see the word feminist linked with the topic of housework. Surely, feminists don’t do housework..?
Oh, but we do!
A belief in equality is all well and good, but it won’t do the dishes or make the beds. And until the theory of equality reaches the domestic workload (don’t hold your breath…) guess who gets the bulk of the housework? Feminist or not – if you are The Lady of the House, chances are it’s down to you to keep it clean and tidy.
So, what can we do? Spend all our time fighting the regime? Berate our menfolk for their enviable ability to dodge domestic pressure? Possibly. But in the meantime, the dust is gathering.
I recently wrote a chapter about motivation in the domestic realm, for my new book, Housework Blues.
It lead to the following spin-off idea which I think you may find very useful and effective. The idea is to utilise a powerful technique that deploys your subconscious mind – requiring less conscious (and begrudging) effort from you.
You’ve just collapsed onto the sofa with a drink and your favourite book/magazine/TV programme. The relaxing sigh is barely out of your mouth before you hear it….the summons.
Somebody, somewhere wants a piece of you. And they want it NOW. If they’re not demanding food, they need something finding. Or cleaning. Or they need your diplomatic services to solve a dispute. Whatever it is they need, you know there will be no peace until they have it.
The ‘Not Enough Hours In The Day’ Trilogy – Part III
Keeping our homes and feeding our families are innate human habits. And, thanks to today’s mod cons, this domestic stuff has never been easier. Why, then, do we still struggle to find the time for it?
One answer lies in the position of housework on our to-do lists, (ie not very high.) But there is another explanation: if we have so much to do that such a primal and essential need gets neglected – perhaps our lists are too long! The existence of housework isn’t the problem – it’s a side-effect of being alive – but if we don’t have time for it, the problem is: our lives are too full. If we lack the time to take decent care of ourselves and our families, something, somewhere has gone wrong…
The ‘Not Enough Hours In The Day’ Trilogy – Part II
As a race, we humans have always had self-maintenance work to do. It’s part of survival. If you’re alive, it goes with the territory. So why, with all the modern advancements at our disposal, do we struggle to find the time for this primitive and basic care-work – looking after our homes and families?
The problem is not a lack of hours in the day. If we had more hours, no doubt we would cram them full of other stuff and still have no time for housework! Since we generally manage to find or make time for what matters most to us, it’s less a time issue and more a question of priorities.
Far from being the bare minimum for survival, the nurturing of our homes and families seems to have slipped down the to-do list. But why has taking care of our ‘lair’ lost its sparkle?
The ‘Not Enough Hours In The Day’ Trilogy – Part I
Ever find that you just don’t have enough time for housework? Do you ever feel that the mountain of laundry is just unscale-able? That you need more hours in the day to get it all done? I’m guessing, by the fact that you’re here, you answered a resounding YES to all of the above.
And yet, never in the history of women, have we had so much assistance within the home. Imagine, only a few generations ago – whole days were devoted to laundry! These days, we balk at the effort of slamming our clothes into a machine for an hour – but when we return, they’re all clean! No fetching pails of water. No rubbing our knuckles raw on washing boards. No losing our fingers to menacing mangles. Compared to the efforts of our foremothers – modern laundry is a breeze.
There are few greater tests of love than keeping your temper when family members unravel your hard work – before your very eyes. Now that’s tough. But then that’s life, full of challenges.
Of course, being human, some days we won’t manage to keep a lid on our simmering fury. However, if we can manage our anger on just a few of these testing occasions, so much the better for all within earshot – not least ourselves. And as the wise Lemony Snicket puts it,
“Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.”
So learning to diffuse our vexation is useful because, let’s face it – this particular problem isn’t likely to be a one-off. If your family are anything like mine, they will view a tidy room or clean surface as an irresistible magnet for clothes, toys, papers and other such debris. So until we discover how to retrain them successfully, we need an antidote to the temptation to explode.
There is a phrase that I mutter to myself, on days when it feels like the world and his wife wants my attention: “To be needed is a blessing, not a curse”. Some days it comes easier than others.
Despite the absolute joy I felt when my children first said ‘Mummy’, there are days when I am summoned so many times that I want to ban the word.
I’m sure (I hope!) many mothers can relate to this. But I don’t believe this makes us bad mothers. We’re just human. We just need a bit of moderation. Buddha would back me up here – too much of anything is never a good idea.
With motherhood, though, meeting the demands of others goes with the territory. So it is only right that the balance be readdressed at least once a year, when the mother gets to do the bidding. Cue…Mother’s Day!
I don’t know anybody who doesn’t love Spring. In fact, it could be my favourite season, despite the best day of the year (my birthday) being in October. Maybe it’s the contrast to the cold, dark days of Winter – we’re all ready for bit of sunshine. Or maybe it’s the sense of renewed energy and vitality – and not only for plants and animals. As the shoots begin to appear, many people begin to think of new projects or fresh starts. Spring is a time for action. A time to start working on those plans that have been shelved during the winter hibernation.
And so it is with this burst of seasonal zest that I begin my first ever blog!
Ironically, though, Spring is the month most associated with cleaning. My blog, on the other hand, is intended as an antidote to the misery of housework. My mission is to help housework blues-sufferers everywhere and liberate them from any angst or anger they feel towards their role within the home.
While I know some will be merrily rolling up their sleeves in preparation for some good old-fashioned domestic labour, I have a feeling that there are one or two, out there, who are a bit more like me. Those who feel that the spring weather is far too enjoyable to be wasted by cleaning the house.
Hi, I'm Danielle Raine, author of Housework Blues and woman on a mission - to help anyone who is struggling with the mental and emotional challenge of keeping a home. My books, this blog and an online shop are the results of my efforts so far. (Along with a much happier home life...)
I currently live in beautiful North Yorkshire with my wonderful (but messy) husband and two sons.
Feel free to contact me with your own housework blues or thoughts of the blog - I'd love to hear from you!
I recently took the Strengthsfinder test. (I’m planning a little reinvention…. watch this space!) I don’t know if you’ve heard of Strengthsfinder but if you’re at all interested in discovering why you are the way you are and why you do the things you do, I highy recommend it. There is something comforting about seeing all your quirks and foibles so accurately drawn (how do they do that?). It is even more of a delight to see the details of your ‘you-ness’ highlighted as strengths. I’m a huge fan of the Strenghsfinder philosophy, ie working with your natural inclinations, rather than trying to force yourself into a mould that’s not an easy or happy fit.
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